Welcome to the Celestial Kingdom!

And Congratulations on having successfully achieved Godhood! Here is your diploma, and your license to perform all those offices and acts associated with your Divine Office. (You may use the duplicating room to make several thousand copies so that each of your wives can have her own).

You are now authorized to organize your own worlds and universes. Do-it-yourself plans are available for you on the Internet at http://www.god.gov/creating.html.

You are now authorized to start procreating spirit children with your celestial wives, through spiritual sex, which will have to be pretty frequent and pretty quick, depending on the size worlds you create.

You will now be able to watch your spirit children disobey you and frustrate you and make a mess of everything you try to do. (You are only allowed one complete Flood per world to give them a second chance.)

You are now authorized to communicate with your spirit children in any way except directly (because they don't deserve that sort of one-on-one relationship from you), but you are allowed to give them "hunches," which they will probably misunderstand and start thinking that ordinary hunches are messages from you (but - hey - they should know).

You are also allowed to choose prophets from among them, with whom you can talk directly, but you are not allowed to give your prophets any messages that are plain enough to be understood by any of your children without several people who don't really know anything giving them differing interpretations of what you said.

You can have your prophets write down your message in books, but you have to allow them to put it into their own words so that the meaning isn't really very clear. You can't correct their grammar or their spelling, either, or tell them when they've left out a word.

You are not allowed to change your mind, once you have given a commandment. Well, if it was really a mistake, it's all right to change your mind. But you are not allowed to ADMIT it was a mistake. You have to say the new commandment is better, and your children are getting it because they've been so good.

If your children really mess up, you're going to have to make them pay. Or if you can find one who's willing, make him pay up for all of them (and you can make it real gory if you want), and then you can let the others off the hook. You can name a church after him, if you want.

Now that you are a God, enjoy it. It's going to last forever and ever and ever and ever and you will get to do this again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again ....

- Richard Packham

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©  2000 Richard Packham    Permission granted to reproduce for non-commercial purposes, provided text is not changed and this copyright notice is included


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Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?

- Rosencrantz in Tom Stoppard's Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead